family

I visited my family this weekend...... it's always weird to go back home, where I went to high school.  I didn't fit in, at all.  Too weird, too fat, too smart, too.... me....

I remember being the odd one out in my family.  My Mom loved my younger brother, and my older brother was my Dad's favourite, though I was a total Daddy's girl and I knew he loved me.  I could almost always talk to him.  

I have a good relationship with my Mom now.  We weathered a lot of stuff and seem to understand each other a bit better now.  I know she thinks I'm a good Mom, even if she thinks my daughter is a bit spoiled.

It's weird to be the one that succeeded, the one that made it out alive.  It's weird because I always thought that my brothers were doing okay when I was struggling even though they were struggling in their own ways.

My older brother used to be a bit of a pain in the ass in the 80s when I needed a helping hand.  He made me seem like a burden.  He's surprised I don't hold it over his head now that he needs my help.

He acknowledged the other day that he did make me feel bad for needing help.  He acknowledged that he's lucky to have me help and to do it without any baggage.

I feel the burden of success with my family... not resentment exactly but..... something.