grow where you're planted

I'm trying to remember this and really grow.

I've adopted a plant that was abandoned on a filing cabinet near my desk.  It's a sign that I'm here and present and taking root.

There are no guarantees that I'll have a job at the end of June, or with all the changes coming at the end of 2013 or 2014.  I'm looking for a new job and gathering all the experience I can from this place. 

I'm painting and making art again.  I'm making tags and an envelope journal.  I 'm reading and listening to music and remembering who I was and who I am and who I will be.

I must admit that I still feel some resentment about the union and the strike vote and the general disarray of this place but...... it's not disarray that I want to own so the only option is to live and be happy and move forward.

I made a piece of art from an IKEA print I found in the garbage here and some pages from a discarded Avon catalogue.  I love it.  It's so me in this place where I can't always feel like me.

hot time, summer in the city

It's May 28th and according to CP24.com the temperature is 33C, feeling like 38C with the humidex, which is just about 101F........ ugh......

Menopause is harder some days than other.  Feelings of rage, not just anger, or upset, or frustration but blinding red rage, just blindside me on a regular basis.
I'm reading Christiane Northrup's book and it is helping.  Being aware of what the hell is going on does help.  So far I haven't killed anyone or damaged a relationship irrevocably.

A Friday state of mind

Work was definitely more work than usual today..... Some days I breeze through feeling competent and in control; today is just felt tired and drained.  Three days in the employment centre will do that to me.

Dizzy like crazy this afternoon.  I drove home feeling all wonky.  That's subsided a bit but I still feel weird.

My Father on Mother's Day

My Dad's birthday is May 9th.  He died on July 21, 2002 just 2 months after meeting my daughter for the first time.

My Dad's birthday often fell on Mother's Day or near Mother's Day and I remember lots of times where we had two cakes that weekend - one for Dad and another for Mom.

I realise, sometimes, that my Dad never saw my daughter's first bike riding video; he didn't get a chance to see her sing a solo in the Christmas concert, he never told me I was a good parent or that he was proud of my family.  I feel him with me sometimes; I hear his voice in my head telling me I'm his little girl.  Sometimes that's enough.  But not today.

Singing in the Rain

It's raining.  I don't mind the rain, as long as I don't have to drive very far in it.

Staying positive is something I work on every day.  I know my propensity for doom and gloom, dooooom and gloooooooom..... There are things I need to take seriously but I've decided that that doesn't mean being mean, cranky, unhappy.  Life is too short to unhappy.

The co-worker I'm switching with is extremely unhappy with the situation.  I almost agreed to keep my employable team so she could keep her youth team.  But..... I didn't create this situation.  Management wants changes and they chose to switch us.  I'm nervous about learning all the components of youth employment but I know I can do it.  A challenge is a good thing.

I'm still working on making time for art and journalling.  I've been using tarot cards as a prompt each day but I'm not very consistent with it. 

One step at a time......

ch-ch-changes

So some of the changes I knew were coming have arrived.

I'm moving to a new team at work - doing the same job but with a different client group.  Even a couple of months ago, I think I would have been frustrated with the constant changes here, but now, I'm calm, just going with the flow.  Fussing and stressing only hurts me, so somehow, I have to find a way to go on and stay positive.

Maybe watching Darcy fall apart is helping me focus and stay positive.  It's definitely a healthier attitude.

family

I visited my family this weekend...... it's always weird to go back home, where I went to high school.  I didn't fit in, at all.  Too weird, too fat, too smart, too.... me....

I remember being the odd one out in my family.  My Mom loved my younger brother, and my older brother was my Dad's favourite, though I was a total Daddy's girl and I knew he loved me.  I could almost always talk to him.  

I have a good relationship with my Mom now.  We weathered a lot of stuff and seem to understand each other a bit better now.  I know she thinks I'm a good Mom, even if she thinks my daughter is a bit spoiled.

It's weird to be the one that succeeded, the one that made it out alive.  It's weird because I always thought that my brothers were doing okay when I was struggling even though they were struggling in their own ways.

My older brother used to be a bit of a pain in the ass in the 80s when I needed a helping hand.  He made me seem like a burden.  He's surprised I don't hold it over his head now that he needs my help.

He acknowledged the other day that he did make me feel bad for needing help.  He acknowledged that he's lucky to have me help and to do it without any baggage.

I feel the burden of success with my family... not resentment exactly but..... something.

down time

Spent the last week sleeping because of a cold/chest infection/ear infection/sinus infection. Antibiotics are working so I'm back to work and my old self.

Did a tarot reading the other day that is telling me I'm right about needing to make some changes.
I am sad because of things I can't change, so I need to figure out what makes sense for me in terms of work/education.  I had the idea of going to law school dance through my head but I think that would be harder than I'm prepared for.  I'm also considering an extern program to learn new therapy/counselling models.  That's definitely a good fit for me and would allow me to apply for different kinds of jobs.

Change is always hard for me, but sometimes it's very necessary.