Too much and not enough

 Time..... 

 When I look back on life, my life, I think of all the people I’ve known and who’s names I don’t remember.  All those people, friends, acquaintances like a Venn diagram we touched and overlapped for a while and then spun away.  

Complicated Feelings

 Prince Phillip died today at 99 years old.  He and Queen Elizabeth have been married for almost 74 years. I am not his biggest fan - he was arrogant,  had public affairs because he was frustrated with the role he was required to play, and seems to have tortured Prince Charles to toughen him up.  But, all that being said, I don’t agree with mocking people in death. I’ve seen some really tasteless memes and the man died 6 hours ago.  

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I’m trying to write every day, even if it’s just a few sentences. Hopefully I’ll be able to be interesting often enough that I won’t bore myself.....

Moving Forward....

  We’re back in lockdown - this is the 4th time since March 2020.  I’m tired, tired, tired.  

CBC had an article on the effects of isolation on all of.  It said that self regulation requires effort and at this point in the pandemic we’re all very tired of regulating our emotions and so people are giving up.  So, so, so tired,

Moving Forward

Struggling with the idea of doing my photography program mostly online.  I really, really, really wanted an opportunity to get outside and meet new people and develop some new skills.

Happy birthday to me

 I’m 59 today.  I’m now older than my brother Darcy when he died.  

I had cake and presents and cards and, a ton of love on Facebook.  When I sat down to write this post I felt okay but..... grief is a sneaky bastard.  So many people who are out of birthdays and I’ve seen more birthdays than I have left to celebrate.  

COVID-19 sucks so much joy from the world.  Ontario has fucked around with closures and lockdowns, and stay at home orders, so we’re worse off than other provinces who put rules in place and stuck to them.

I’m hopefulcranky and wishingtired.  

Things I think about

 Watching Sunday Morning yesterday and one of the segments was titled, ‘Agree to Disagree’.  It was about the power of conversation, getting people together to thoughtfully discuss difference and I was frustrated with the Kumbiya vibe.  Sometimes it’s not just a difference of opinion, it’s standing up for human rights and challenging hate and bigotry.  Denying someone’s humanity isn’t an opinion, it’s hate speech; thinking that people who are different colours, ethnicities, sexualities, genders, are less than you isn’t so et we can agree to disagree on.  Bigots need to be challenged and sanctioned when they spew their shit, full stop.

Denying people access to services and jobs because you think they’re less valid than you must stop.  Those views must be challenged and smashed.  The world can’t move forward until we are all equal. 

Sunday Funday

 It’s Easter Sunday and I’m good tired from all the food prep and cooking.  I made ham with apricot hoisin sauce and lighter scalloped potatoes with stock instead of milk or cream. Very, very yummy.

I’m grateful that Bonnie does all our shopping and brought home all the ingredients - I just cut and cook.👩🏻‍🍳

I had hoped to be more interesting in these posts but...... I’m tired and it’s a pandemic 😷.

 I’ll keep trying to write every day and I’ll try to have more to say.

I’ve been thinking about how we see and how we’re seen; shadows and light.

Experience influences the lens we use to weigh and measure events and emotions.

There’s more to say here but I’m tired and I’ll have to come back here  

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Tarot card of the day - Ace of Athames from the Green Witch Tarot 

Ma Rainey’s Blackbottom

 I have thoughts about the Netflix movie Ma Rainey’s Blackbottom.  I hadn’t read the synopsis for the movie, really and expected it to be about blues legend Ma Rainey but it was about her very troubled trumpet player.  The story was wrapped in a recording session and we saw Ma fighting for her right to be respected but in the end it was a story about a man written by a man.  

Viola Davis’ performance was so huge and juicy I really wanted more of her.  Chadwick Boseman owned his role as Levy and he was amazing in his intensity but...... it really felt like she was used to serve the story of the men in the movie. 

The script implied Ma was bisexual and it referenced Bessie Smith to enforce that, I think, but didn’t tell much of her struggles to forge her own path in music and in life.  She made a lot of money and had a huge influence in music but all we get in the movie is how difficult she was for men to work with.  

I don’t know, maybe I’m being unduly critical.  It was a well-made, well written movie and all the performances were stellar but..... I’m still annoyed by yet another erasure of a woman’s story by men.

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Tarot card of the day is The World Tree (21) from The Green Witch Tarot - Transition; hope in the face of inevitable change.  Ontario is back in a lockdown, not a stay at home order, so things are closed except when they aren’t and people aren’t supposed to gather except when they can/do.  I’m so tired of all this.....

Ghosts of Aprils Past

I am winterspring born

Crocus springing through icy snow

Tiny drops of hope     bloom

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Ambivalent mothering has left me with some deep scars.  I am conflict avoidant and get stuck sometimes because I can never be good enough or worthy of good things.

I am a grown ass human and I still get stuck when my 12 year old self gets triggered.

I’m thinking of all these things because my birthday is next week and I think of my parents and their love/hate relationship.  I have forgiven them for letting me down (mostly, most of the time) and I love them but..... I still have a pebble in my shoe about some things.

So...... April 6th is my New Year.  No strict resolutions just the intent to move forward with things including daily tarot draws, reading astrology books so I understand my astrological planner, and building a daily SoA practice.

Tarot draw for April 1st - Queen of Chalices from The Green Witch Tarot

Though I am an Aries, my Moon is in Taurus, and Virgo rising so I am a passionate, compassionate healer and helper.

I drew that card after writing about my parents and my birthday so I’m reading that as being gentle around the emotions I feel about my childhood.  

See you tomorrow. 😊