Sunday Funday

 It’s Easter Sunday and I’m good tired from all the food prep and cooking.  I made ham with apricot hoisin sauce and lighter scalloped potatoes with stock instead of milk or cream. Very, very yummy.

I’m grateful that Bonnie does all our shopping and brought home all the ingredients - I just cut and cook.👩🏻‍🍳

I had hoped to be more interesting in these posts but...... I’m tired and it’s a pandemic 😷.

 I’ll keep trying to write every day and I’ll try to have more to say.

I’ve been thinking about how we see and how we’re seen; shadows and light.

Experience influences the lens we use to weigh and measure events and emotions.

There’s more to say here but I’m tired and I’ll have to come back here  

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Tarot card of the day - Ace of Athames from the Green Witch Tarot 

Ma Rainey’s Blackbottom

 I have thoughts about the Netflix movie Ma Rainey’s Blackbottom.  I hadn’t read the synopsis for the movie, really and expected it to be about blues legend Ma Rainey but it was about her very troubled trumpet player.  The story was wrapped in a recording session and we saw Ma fighting for her right to be respected but in the end it was a story about a man written by a man.  

Viola Davis’ performance was so huge and juicy I really wanted more of her.  Chadwick Boseman owned his role as Levy and he was amazing in his intensity but...... it really felt like she was used to serve the story of the men in the movie. 

The script implied Ma was bisexual and it referenced Bessie Smith to enforce that, I think, but didn’t tell much of her struggles to forge her own path in music and in life.  She made a lot of money and had a huge influence in music but all we get in the movie is how difficult she was for men to work with.  

I don’t know, maybe I’m being unduly critical.  It was a well-made, well written movie and all the performances were stellar but..... I’m still annoyed by yet another erasure of a woman’s story by men.

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Tarot card of the day is The World Tree (21) from The Green Witch Tarot - Transition; hope in the face of inevitable change.  Ontario is back in a lockdown, not a stay at home order, so things are closed except when they aren’t and people aren’t supposed to gather except when they can/do.  I’m so tired of all this.....

Ghosts of Aprils Past

I am winterspring born

Crocus springing through icy snow

Tiny drops of hope     bloom

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Ambivalent mothering has left me with some deep scars.  I am conflict avoidant and get stuck sometimes because I can never be good enough or worthy of good things.

I am a grown ass human and I still get stuck when my 12 year old self gets triggered.

I’m thinking of all these things because my birthday is next week and I think of my parents and their love/hate relationship.  I have forgiven them for letting me down (mostly, most of the time) and I love them but..... I still have a pebble in my shoe about some things.

So...... April 6th is my New Year.  No strict resolutions just the intent to move forward with things including daily tarot draws, reading astrology books so I understand my astrological planner, and building a daily SoA practice.

Tarot draw for April 1st - Queen of Chalices from The Green Witch Tarot

Though I am an Aries, my Moon is in Taurus, and Virgo rising so I am a passionate, compassionate healer and helper.

I drew that card after writing about my parents and my birthday so I’m reading that as being gentle around the emotions I feel about my childhood.  

See you tomorrow. 😊

Challenge accepted

 Hello, Universe.

Effy Wild is hosting a 30 day blog challenge and here I am.  

It’s 2021, the beginning of the second year of lockdown.  The past year has contained Zoom calls and Broadway/West End shows on YouTube, Black Lives Matter and Me, Too, tarot study and applying to Algonquin College again. 

“There is no time but now, there is no place but here, in the sacred we do stand, in a circle hand in hand.” These are the words I’m going to say to myself this month and we’ll see where I go  

Thoughts

In December there was a heated debate online and IRL about the 1940s song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”.  2018 was a year when the Me, Too movement took down many, many abusers and opinions were riled on both sides.

I posted something pointed in early December about a meme that stated “what the fuck did I just say?” about all the pressure to stay.

Here’s my post  -  I’m not advocating censorship, I’m perfectly able to change channels. I’m tired of people explaining the historical context (which I understand; I’m not stupid) and being unable to hear why as a survivor of that situation, I might not want hear the 50 versions that have been recorded, played multiple times a day for 6 weeks.  In 2018, those Wolf and Mouse lyrics sound coercive no matter the context in 1944.

Adding one my comments here, so I’m as clear as I can be about my thoughts on this song.  
“I do understand the original intent of the song; she’s empowering herself by accepting an excuse to stay.  That doesn’t mean that now, to people like me who’ve been assaulted after saying no, this song doesn’t sound as rapey as fuck.  I’m not going to argue about this, I’m not going to explain myself again, but I’m not going to let anyone else make me feel bad for not wanting to hear this fucking song upwards of 10 times a day for the 6 weeks between American Thanksgiving and New Years.”

I was soundly smacked multiple times about “what the song is actually about”, and “it was written in 1944 dontcha know”, and the ubiquitous, “it’s not about rape, for God’s sake, it’s about her trying to stay”.

I know that.  I understand that a woman and her husband sang the song at parties.  I understand that in the time it was written the woman being coy was cute and provocative.   As I said earlier, I’m not stupid; I understand context.  But what I’m saying is this - as a sexual assault survivor things sound different to me than they do to you.  Someone kept me from leaving their car/apartment/presence and forced me to have sex I DID NOT WANT.   You smacking me with your facts feels abusive.  I never disputed the facts, I SAID WHAT I HEARD WAS PAINFUL AND I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.

A radio station played the song on a loop for days as a big fuck you to everyone who dared to say that hearing the damn song was painful and triggering.  I never challenged your facts but you stomped all over my feelings.  When you challenge my feelings with your “facts” you make me angry.  I want to explain to you that YOUR WORDS HURT BECAUSE YOU DON’T HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING.  Someone (several people) already made me feel vulnerable and afraid, BUT you don’t deserve to hear my story just so I can try and make you NOT ABUSE ME EMOTIONALLY FOR HAVING BEEN ABUSED PHYSICALLY.

It’s hard to explain without telling you why that whole “what’s in this drink?” line makes me want to throw up.  I wasn’t allowed to leave.  I was physically assaulted and then sexually assaulted.  I was told that it was what I wanted.  I was told it what I deserved.  I was outed and then left to defend myself against skinheads.   I was almost thrown onto subway tracks.  AFTER I TRIED TO LEAVE.

You don’t deserve to hear my story. You’ve proven that.  I want to tell you all the horrible, violent, terrifying and graphic details so you’ll take my argument seriously but you’ve proven that my feelings don’t matter to you; only facts matter.  I don’t matter to you.

I’m still playing all this over in my head a month later.  I’m still thinking about who I can trust and who can’t hear what I’m saying.  Listen to the song if you want but hear me when I say your jokes and memes and posts are painful and that that song reminds me of experiences I’d rather never texperienced.

Guess what?!

Hello, blog.  It's been a while.....
2013 kicked my ass.  My brother and my father-in-law died within a month of each other, my daughter sort of imploded and I..... got lost.

2014 was okay.  I liked working as an employment counselor and I got a bit creative.

2015 started out okay, but the City can't leave anyone alone and I ended up back on a caseload, aggravated my carpal tunnel, had surgery and then just quit....

2016 needed me to be free to do many things, including supporting my partner while she transitioned out of her job and we moved her Mom into a seniors residence, as well as care for my Mom when she got diagnosed with throat cancer and died 2 months later.  Bonnie and I taught ourselves to make books and spent some time learning how to make glass beads.

2017 brought my daughter's high school graduation and the realisation that we don't want to stay where we are so we decided to move to another city and start all over again.

I have goals for 2018.  Learn to play the clarinet and the bodhran; finally study all the Druidry stuff on my bookshelves; do more yoga and just plain LIVE.

I'll take you along this journey because I need some accountability.  Even if you're not out there hanging on my every word.  I'll keep writing.