Kinds of Kindness

 Dusting this space off so I can write out some feelings.  

Saw Kinds of Kindness yesterday with people from our condo building.  3 people over 70 and Bonnie and I.  I’ll start by saying one of the others grinds my last gear most of the time.  She’s casually homophobic, casually racist, casually elitist, very common, and kind of stupid.  Not stupid, just unable and unwilling to see past herself.  Oh, and very vocal in all those aspects.  

So, the movie was challenging.  Dark, cruel, full of obsession and manipulation.  I was uncomfortable with so many things in it.  Bonnie left because it triggered her so badly but I was curious so I stayed.  In the end I’m not sure the discomfort was worth the length and clunky dialogue but I didn’t think it was the worst thing I’ve ever watched.

So, I endured a lot of comments and ranting about how bad and worthless the movie was to watch  All 4 of the others were really unhappy with the experience and Patricia was particularly vitriolic about it.  I made my opinion clear, weird, too long, very uncomfortable but there were things I liked.  

Today, I ran into Patricia and one of her friends and Patricia ranted on again, just pushing me when I wouldn’t condemn the movie as horrible.  The thing is, I can’t talk to Bonnie because she freaks out about the content she saw.  I’d like to be able to talk to someone, anyone, who would engage with the material.  

There are things I’d love to be able to talk through with someone.  Bonnie is easily triggered, flustered, aggravated, angered, and just doesn’t want to talk about things.  There’s a new Time Bandits series and there are accusations of abuse on the set.  I’d like to watch it but I wanted to know how bad the accusations were.  When I started to talk to Bonnie she was concerned about cancel culture and how much I’ve read about various problems and how problematic I am.  

I’m lonely in so many ways.  I make myself small so I don’t have to fight with people.  I want connection.  I want to matter as my whole self.  

It’s not going to happen but I’d like to try. 

Too much and not enough

 Time..... 

 When I look back on life, my life, I think of all the people I’ve known and who’s names I don’t remember.  All those people, friends, acquaintances like a Venn diagram we touched and overlapped for a while and then spun away.  

Complicated Feelings

 Prince Phillip died today at 99 years old.  He and Queen Elizabeth have been married for almost 74 years. I am not his biggest fan - he was arrogant,  had public affairs because he was frustrated with the role he was required to play, and seems to have tortured Prince Charles to toughen him up.  But, all that being said, I don’t agree with mocking people in death. I’ve seen some really tasteless memes and the man died 6 hours ago.  

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I’m trying to write every day, even if it’s just a few sentences. Hopefully I’ll be able to be interesting often enough that I won’t bore myself.....

Moving Forward....

  We’re back in lockdown - this is the 4th time since March 2020.  I’m tired, tired, tired.  

CBC had an article on the effects of isolation on all of.  It said that self regulation requires effort and at this point in the pandemic we’re all very tired of regulating our emotions and so people are giving up.  So, so, so tired,

Moving Forward

Struggling with the idea of doing my photography program mostly online.  I really, really, really wanted an opportunity to get outside and meet new people and develop some new skills.

Happy birthday to me

 I’m 59 today.  I’m now older than my brother Darcy when he died.  

I had cake and presents and cards and, a ton of love on Facebook.  When I sat down to write this post I felt okay but..... grief is a sneaky bastard.  So many people who are out of birthdays and I’ve seen more birthdays than I have left to celebrate.  

COVID-19 sucks so much joy from the world.  Ontario has fucked around with closures and lockdowns, and stay at home orders, so we’re worse off than other provinces who put rules in place and stuck to them.

I’m hopefulcranky and wishingtired.