Kinds of Kindness

 Dusting this space off so I can write out some feelings.  

Saw Kinds of Kindness yesterday with people from our condo building.  3 people over 70 and Bonnie and I.  I’ll start by saying one of the others grinds my last gear most of the time.  She’s casually homophobic, casually racist, casually elitist, very common, and kind of stupid.  Not stupid, just unable and unwilling to see past herself.  Oh, and very vocal in all those aspects.  

So, the movie was challenging.  Dark, cruel, full of obsession and manipulation.  I was uncomfortable with so many things in it.  Bonnie left because it triggered her so badly but I was curious so I stayed.  In the end I’m not sure the discomfort was worth the length and clunky dialogue but I didn’t think it was the worst thing I’ve ever watched.

So, I endured a lot of comments and ranting about how bad and worthless the movie was to watch  All 4 of the others were really unhappy with the experience and Patricia was particularly vitriolic about it.  I made my opinion clear, weird, too long, very uncomfortable but there were things I liked.  

Today, I ran into Patricia and one of her friends and Patricia ranted on again, just pushing me when I wouldn’t condemn the movie as horrible.  The thing is, I can’t talk to Bonnie because she freaks out about the content she saw.  I’d like to be able to talk to someone, anyone, who would engage with the material.  

There are things I’d love to be able to talk through with someone.  Bonnie is easily triggered, flustered, aggravated, angered, and just doesn’t want to talk about things.  There’s a new Time Bandits series and there are accusations of abuse on the set.  I’d like to watch it but I wanted to know how bad the accusations were.  When I started to talk to Bonnie she was concerned about cancel culture and how much I’ve read about various problems and how problematic I am.  

I’m lonely in so many ways.  I make myself small so I don’t have to fight with people.  I want connection.  I want to matter as my whole self.  

It’s not going to happen but I’d like to try.