Thoughts

In December there was a heated debate online and IRL about the 1940s song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”.  2018 was a year when the Me, Too movement took down many, many abusers and opinions were riled on both sides.

I posted something pointed in early December about a meme that stated “what the fuck did I just say?” about all the pressure to stay.

Here’s my post  -  I’m not advocating censorship, I’m perfectly able to change channels. I’m tired of people explaining the historical context (which I understand; I’m not stupid) and being unable to hear why as a survivor of that situation, I might not want hear the 50 versions that have been recorded, played multiple times a day for 6 weeks.  In 2018, those Wolf and Mouse lyrics sound coercive no matter the context in 1944.

Adding one my comments here, so I’m as clear as I can be about my thoughts on this song.  
“I do understand the original intent of the song; she’s empowering herself by accepting an excuse to stay.  That doesn’t mean that now, to people like me who’ve been assaulted after saying no, this song doesn’t sound as rapey as fuck.  I’m not going to argue about this, I’m not going to explain myself again, but I’m not going to let anyone else make me feel bad for not wanting to hear this fucking song upwards of 10 times a day for the 6 weeks between American Thanksgiving and New Years.”

I was soundly smacked multiple times about “what the song is actually about”, and “it was written in 1944 dontcha know”, and the ubiquitous, “it’s not about rape, for God’s sake, it’s about her trying to stay”.

I know that.  I understand that a woman and her husband sang the song at parties.  I understand that in the time it was written the woman being coy was cute and provocative.   As I said earlier, I’m not stupid; I understand context.  But what I’m saying is this - as a sexual assault survivor things sound different to me than they do to you.  Someone kept me from leaving their car/apartment/presence and forced me to have sex I DID NOT WANT.   You smacking me with your facts feels abusive.  I never disputed the facts, I SAID WHAT I HEARD WAS PAINFUL AND I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.

A radio station played the song on a loop for days as a big fuck you to everyone who dared to say that hearing the damn song was painful and triggering.  I never challenged your facts but you stomped all over my feelings.  When you challenge my feelings with your “facts” you make me angry.  I want to explain to you that YOUR WORDS HURT BECAUSE YOU DON’T HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING.  Someone (several people) already made me feel vulnerable and afraid, BUT you don’t deserve to hear my story just so I can try and make you NOT ABUSE ME EMOTIONALLY FOR HAVING BEEN ABUSED PHYSICALLY.

It’s hard to explain without telling you why that whole “what’s in this drink?” line makes me want to throw up.  I wasn’t allowed to leave.  I was physically assaulted and then sexually assaulted.  I was told that it was what I wanted.  I was told it what I deserved.  I was outed and then left to defend myself against skinheads.   I was almost thrown onto subway tracks.  AFTER I TRIED TO LEAVE.

You don’t deserve to hear my story. You’ve proven that.  I want to tell you all the horrible, violent, terrifying and graphic details so you’ll take my argument seriously but you’ve proven that my feelings don’t matter to you; only facts matter.  I don’t matter to you.

I’m still playing all this over in my head a month later.  I’m still thinking about who I can trust and who can’t hear what I’m saying.  Listen to the song if you want but hear me when I say your jokes and memes and posts are painful and that that song reminds me of experiences I’d rather never texperienced.