Raven's Green



Friday 23 August 2024

Pirates - A story in 4 parts

 ELDER QUEER STORYTELLING WORKSHOP     

19-23 AUGUST 2024

 

Pirates 

 

I’m an army brat. I don’t have a hometown, an ancestral home.  We moved a lot so mhome was whatever room I slept in and my own strange, sparkly, anxious brain. I grew up in houses where there was so much talking for how little we actually said.   Voices were often loud, angry, overlapping and when I spoke, I wasn’t heard.  

 

I talked a lot, trying to be heard – my Dad used to say I’d been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.  My Mom waved my report cards and told me my teachers said I was a good student, but I talked too much.  I did talk a lot trying so hard to be heard.

 

Little curious, dorky, awkward me learned in public school that talking made me a target, of teachers, because my hand was always up, answering a question or asking one, and of other kids because I was a dorky, awkward, fat kid.

 

My story is like many others; I was a target for bulliesbecause I was different, awkward, fat.  The reasons don’t matter - bullies bully and standing up for myself lead to more abuse. Teachers that told me to just avoid the bullies when I told them about any of it.  My first month in a new high school, I had my fingers broken in a corner of the gym chasing a volleyball. I never cried or said anything about it.  What was the point? I wrote essays and tests with my fingers in splints, and everyone just ignored why that was happening.

 

I fled that terrible small town.  Ran head long into so much more than I could handle.  I got accepted to university but didn’t really go (a story for another time) and when student loan money ran out so did my housing.  

 

When you’re homeless you have no voice.  You need to ask for what you need and if people hear you, they expect ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and for you to perform the script they give you.  I could say what likedbut I was judged on scorecards I couldn’t see.

 

In movies the passage of years is shown with calendar pages fluttering off the wall. See 4 years drift away.  I found people who heard me, helped me.  I’d only been out officially for about 6 months when I started using my voice in peer support groups and phone lines.  I found my family, my people and they listened to me.  For the first time in a long time, I felt heard and seen, getting support when I needed it, sometimes without even asking.

 

Watch more calendar pages drift over a montage of marriage, family of choice, jobs, social work school because that was what I was born to do – use my voice to help others see themselves as capable, valuable, worthy of good things.

 

On a cold, grey winter day in 2004 I am student social workerin a placement with the Toronto District School Board

 

I’m doing an anti-homophobia workshop for Grade 9 students.

I speak about my experience of not fitting in, of my struggle to find myself, my place, my voice.  

 

After the presentation I’m packing up and a 14-year-old boy shyly approached me and asked if he could ask me a personal question.  I’d just spent an hour giving the class some pretty personal information so I smiled and said yes, of course he could.

 

He steps very close, leans toward my left ear, and quietly asks, ‘Do you like pirates?’

I blinked, not sure why this was his question, and said, “Yes! I’ve liked pirates since I was little.”

 

His face breaks into a huge grin and he starts telling me about a pirate RPG that he and his friends write and play.  Suddenly I’m surrounded by Grade 9 boys excitedly telling me about their pirate adventures and cosplays.  They laughed and talked over each other, showing me their whole hearts.  I could only smile. They made me feel the salt air, the wind, and the adventure of the high seas.

 

A teacher is telling us that we need to finish up so the room can be set up for the next workshop.  I look at all their sweet faces, and I say, “I’m going to tell you something.  You might roll your eyes now but promise me you’ll never change.  Stay enthusiastic and don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t be excited about things, that need to change.”  Let that be the thing they remember from the workshop.

 

As I drove back to work, I wondered what I’d said that made him want to reach out. He might have been questioning his sexuality and wanting to make a connection with a safe, queer adult but…. 

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that those boys had heard my stories of feeling othered and excluded and they wanted to let me know that they’d heard me.  We were others together. They’d heard me, my voice made a difference.

MY VOICE WAS HEARD.  And yes, I still like pirates.

Tuesday 9 July 2024

Kinds of Kindness

 Dusting this space off so I can write out some feelings.  

Saw Kinds of Kindness yesterday with people from our condo building.  3 people over 70 and Bonnie and I.  I’ll start by saying one of the others grinds my last gear most of the time.  She’s casually homophobic, casually racist, casually elitist, very common, and kind of stupid.  Not stupid, just unable and unwilling to see past herself.  Oh, and very vocal in all those aspects.  

So, the movie was challenging.  Dark, cruel, full of obsession and manipulation.  I was uncomfortable with so many things in it.  Bonnie left because it triggered her so badly but I was curious so I stayed.  In the end I’m not sure the discomfort was worth the length and clunky dialogue but I didn’t think it was the worst thing I’ve ever watched.

So, I endured a lot of comments and ranting about how bad and worthless the movie was to watch  All 4 of the others were really unhappy with the experience and Patricia was particularly vitriolic about it.  I made my opinion clear, weird, too long, very uncomfortable but there were things I liked.  

Today, I ran into Patricia and one of her friends and Patricia ranted on again, just pushing me when I wouldn’t condemn the movie as horrible.  The thing is, I can’t talk to Bonnie because she freaks out about the content she saw.  I’d like to be able to talk to someone, anyone, who would engage with the material.  

There are things I’d love to be able to talk through with someone.  Bonnie is easily triggered, flustered, aggravated, angered, and just doesn’t want to talk about things.  There’s a new Time Bandits series and there are accusations of abuse on the set.  I’d like to watch it but I wanted to know how bad the accusations were.  When I started to talk to Bonnie she was concerned about cancel culture and how much I’ve read about various problems and how problematic I am.  

I’m lonely in so many ways.  I make myself small so I don’t have to fight with people.  I want connection.  I want to matter as my whole self.  

It’s not going to happen but I’d like to try. 

Saturday 10 April 2021

 When I look back on life, my life, I think of all the people I’ve known and who’s names I don’t remember.  All those people, friends, acquaintances like a Venn diagram we touched and overlapped for a while and then spun away.  


Friday 9 April 2021

Complicated Feelings

 Prince Phillip died today at 99 years old.  He and Queen Elizabeth have been married for almost 74 years. I am not his biggest fan - he was arrogant,  had public affairs because he was frustrated with the role he was required to play, and seems to have tortured Prince Charles to toughen him up.  But, all that being said, I don’t agree with mocking people in death. I’ve seen some really tasteless memes and the man died 6 hours ago.  

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I’m trying to write every day, even if it’s just a few sentences. Hopefully I’ll be able to be interesting often enough that I won’t bore myself.....

Thursday 8 April 2021

Moving Forward....

  We’re back in lockdown - this is the 4th time since March 2020.  I’m tired, tired, tired.  

CBC had an article on the effects of isolation on all of.  It said that self regulation requires effort and at this point in the pandemic we’re all very tired of regulating our emotions and so people are giving up.  So, so, so tired,


Wednesday 7 April 2021

Moving Forward

Struggling with the idea of doing my photography program mostly online.  I really, really, really wanted an opportunity to get outside and meet new people and develop some new skills.